- 1 -
The circle met for the first time on a placid Tuesday in November when the assortment of bleary-eyed (heavily sedated?) septagenarians were wheeled into the public sitting room at the facility - with the weird maritime prints on the wall and the dignified blue couches; Edgerton was strangely subdued, a little nervous perhaps, skittish like a child and only half awake; to the left of him sat Synderman who was to become his good friend; when his eyes were open, Snyderman seemed to be having delusions - he was entranced in part by the maritime prints - but looking out of the large oval-shaped window, he could swear that he saw rabbit-like forms frolicking on the lawn and frogs in top hats dancing on the terrace... Were these holograms, he wondered... Agnetha was frozen upright in her chair, re-writing the entire history of humankind in her mind (as she was wont to do) - eliminating wars, tribal skirmishes, crusades and inquisitions, road rage, unhealthy foods, weight-lifting and all manner of overwrought activity conducted by the male of the species, building new cities, creating new modes of power-wielding... - The others were hunched forward in uniform poses of exhausted inactivity. Nurse Amanda was the M.C. - busily announcing all of the events that would be happening at the home in the coming days - ...We are SO glad you're here everyone...at this facility...where I'm sure you'll come to appreciate your lucky circumstances...contracts signed as you recall..well, time to get started... oh yes and I wanted to mention...we'll be offering so many things to do - for each of you - as your strength allows - bingo night on Saturday, Scrabble night on Mondays, a children's choir, animal visitations, music night on Fridays, pool time on Wednesday afternoon, lawn bowling on Sunday. and so on... The Quilt Family of Universal Quilt Co. fame - has gone out of its way to offer so many perks for you all - we are mindful of your journey and the difficulties you have suffered... (What difficulties are they referring to thought Edgerton? But he was too skittish to pursue the matter...) Nurse Beatrice (the novice cohort of Nurse Amanda) was struck by the tired, weathered-beaten, downtrodden look on the faces - wondering if they would be up to the task of staying awake. Nurse Amanda with her Karaoke microphone in hand went around to each of the guests asking for a brief introduction and "something positive" that they might wish to share...What are we thankful for? What can we share on a positive note? Hmm. Hmmm? But the guests only muttered hello one by one - with their tired, garbled voices... Hello and hello...welcome, welcome...Nurse Amanda kept the mood light as the microphone stopped in front of each weary face: But no one could muster anything much beyond their name on Day 1....
-2-
At the second meeting the old souls (as they came to be called) were more alert - but small talk ruled the day.... A tired, nondescript voice spoke first, slowly, in a whisper...... I'm thankful slowly...slowly she continued- for my - two cats...Wonderful said Nurse Amanda... My niece - is taking - care of them...I understand - they will be - allowed a visit... Oh of course, of course... Another tired voice chimed in... I love this chair it is so comfortable...Thank you / Bless you...said Nurse A. ... And another voice - I have grandchildren you see, who live so far away...I could wish that they would visit me at some time... Oh yes - that shall be arranged... ...It's been a while since they live far away from here - but perhaps they will visit - yes? I love the food here - Yes the food here is wonderful - thank you for sharing...When it was Edgerton's turn, he felt like a fool - groggy and not sure what to say...You may call me Edgerton ...I apologize for everything in advance... you see I feel so groggy - as though I've been drugged, someone mentioned a contract before which I don't remember signing... why are we here and do we still have something to be done - ah yes - but on a positive note, the ventilation seems good in here... Welcome Mr. Edgerton... And then the elusive Synderman - like an absent-minded math prodigy or some Daoist monk in a trance -floating in and out of normal consciousness - a man cursed with ill health and a drooping physical frame but maintaining a truly strangely hidden reserve of vitality and acuity ... Suddenly he became intensely focused: I am Synderman and I'm very thankful to be alive....you see my health is better now...And I feel fortunate to be surrounded by people who know something of suffering... I am recovering from yet another stroke and a very strange occurrence that happened recently... I had been struggling, dont you see, in despair after the death of my beloved daughter... I assumed that this third stroke would be the end for me - but it turns out that other plans had been made for me... I'm so happy to be here - on earth that is - surrounded by you wonderful people... Thank you Mister Synderman - we are so happy to have you fully recovered after your stroke...Agnetha was last to go and though she wanted to speak of the necessary task of the re-writing of history and the purgation of needless evil from the fate of humankind that she had pursued as part of her magnum opus during decades spent as professor emeritus of modern history - she knew that those gathered would not be able to appreciate the scope of her enterprise - and so - and so she permitted herself a bout of small talk...She spoke both slowly and authoritatively: I'm not sure what should be added to what has been said - but I have been noticing the color patterns around here - the beige and pink, the greys and greens and blues... I think of a code of some sort you know... This is a smart woman thought Edgerton...
- 3 -
It was at the third Tuesday that the gathering became more talkative...When Edgerton sat down - and before the meeting began he had nudged Synderman about the contract that he did not recall signing...How did I even get to this place...My memory is blank... I feel that I could still be living safely on my own...I'm only 74 for heaven sake... Oh yes said Synderman - we've all signed off on this experiment...I will tell you more of what I know later on...The Karoake microphone made the rounds once again and Nurse Amanda chimed in: What can we share on a positive note? Hmm. Hmmm? And again the litany of small talk...I am looking forward to seeing my grandchildren again...Yes - excellent...My niece is bringing photos of the cats I left behind - you said a visit was possible - Of course, yes... My knees are quite sore but the Nurse said there will be hot mineral baths available...And so on... When it was Edna's tutrn to speak she surprised everyone with the vehemence of her announcements... As i mentioned before, I am Edna...so thankful for my cats who have done more to help people and to cure loneliness than anyone I can think of .... (What about dogs? asked a voice) - yes and more than dogs certainly - I am quite secure as I sit here and wait upon death for I know that the Lord will judge the righteous once - And who shall protect all cats and punish all evildoers who shall be thrown into the pit where there shall be wailing and gnashing of teeth...Oh my said Nurse A ...That's a doozy... Edgerton could not resist adding- Dear Lady - I find myself actually inspired by the severity of your theology - but now i am curious: will the Lord look fondly on the cat-lovers of the world? Oh yes - said Dame Edna - the cat lovers shall be blessed forever and the Lord will never abandon them, but the others will be thrown into the pit, the backbiters, liars, cheats, and all who show cruelty to animals, ... Do I truly like cats myself, Edgerton wondered - sometimes yes, sometimes no, what does that mean for my eternal fate? ... At this point Edgerton so prone to melancholy and occasional monologues - could not help himself... you know it is strange he said - how we are just sort of gathered here in this facility waiting on nothing in particular...waiting on death I suppose...and what comes after... And really now for us is a time when the future beckons as some sort of other dimension...whereas - barring those fearful thoughts of heaven, hell or eternal quietude - most of us find ourselves immersed in such memories as we can still bring forth and any regrets that follow upon those...Yes - the body is giving way...our muscles have atrophied, our bones ache, our skin is sagging and blotted with age spots...our joints are full of arthritis...our nerves are a constant source of pain...Digestion is an ordeal along with respiration...Many of us are coming off of surgeries or cancer treatments... so you see it is not for the faint of heart... There is nothing left for us to accomplish really other than to maintain some minimal contact with our families as best we can ...and to keep up our health in check... And to be alone with our regrets - yes - to be thrown back upon our thoughts as i myself have been for years gone by - this constant wondering about what might have been - you see my life was ruined somewhat a few decades ago when I lost most of what I treasure... so yes - regret has been a part of my experience... And still I wonder have I measured up? But to who you see? What is the judge? ...and shall I be fully vindicated some day? I still wait upon that - you see!... Has our cause been right? Have we lived a good life - Do you see what mean? Anyone? Yes I do see your point - said Agnetha ...But this is what is really strange Edgerton continued - truly strange about it all continued Edgerton - It's that we are so damned expendable and forgotten - living out on the edge of reality - wherever this is ...... We are somewhat forgotten - receding from the thoughts of the world... Oh Mr. Edgerton - that is quite dramatic of you. You are not forgotten among the staff at the facility...No - not entirely forgotten but you know what i mean...
- 4 -
Edgerton was ranting again in one of his moods... He would go on and on about young fools and hedonists, hippies, weirdos, do-nothings, lay-abouts, hacks, frauds, deviants, crooks, snake-oil salesmen, degenerates of the present time... We're going backward I tell you...And no one gives a damn...No one appreciates...Always the peace-maker Randall would say Mr. E. we gotta make room for everyone...Oh yes - I got you covered there - live and let live - sure sure - that's good up to a point but what happens when the whole system get cluttered up with - Randall let me ask you a question... You're always so cool and collected...let me ask you... what makes people tick? What do they want when it all boils down to it? What will keep them satisfied? Well - I don't know chief - different people want different things ...So go all in on adventure, others like to play it safe and secure... Okay - fair enough - but let me ask you this... would you agree with me if i told you that most people these days are on the surface chasing after pleasures - cars, boats, houses, clothing...luxuries...vacations...fair enough...And another portion of the population wants that special status of living here and shopping there and moving in their elite circles am i right? And then you have the hopeless romantics and the social climbers... some want to find that trophy spouse and other want the money...But you take all of the people just mention including the degenerates and do-nothings - and think about the sheer misery... all the people who are either stoned or drunk or passed out on pain meds or wanting to be intoxicated or to self-medicate as the saying goes...A country of zombies - depressed, anxious stressed out lunatics... Am I right? And i was one of the first he said laughing - b/c my life was ruined - I have a better excuse than most (ha, ha)...But my point is that these young fools are spending all of this precious time being miserable with no conception of what OLD AGE will bring them! ...Yes - beginning in one's fifties if you're lucky - one begins to notice annoying changes, a change of pallor perhaps, mood swings, reactions to hot and cold... you are surprised by your own skin loosening in places; wrinkles have appeared, changes around the eyes and nose, one's face and jaw seem puffy, the skin around the neck is strangely no longer tight, hair goes gray while thinning or changing in a bad way, joints begin to hurt, muscles are sore, muscle mass weakens overall, bones grow fragile, digestion fails you, one's energy level decreases, brain fog appears now and then, the memory ebbs and flows - but one is able to at least deny the process is happening up until a certain point in time...You bump into someone from high school or college and do a double take on their haggard looks - but you pinch yourself b/c you refuse to see that same thing happening to you...But gradually - the realization hits you - from sensing that the world is moving past at an accelerated pace without consulting you...Indeed - it is that sense of being overlooked that galls you, that grates upon you...People are passing you by - walking faster than you - looking askance at your silly little habits - your hunched posture, your grandparent-y grin, your ridiculous fashion choices, your stuck-in-the-past views on everything... You are slowed down at every juncture - and if retirement brings you rest - it is a tedious rest... the mind torments itself with too much down time...How many days in a row can you go golfing? How many trips to Florida? How many early bird specials can you eat? How can you avoid thinking of your latest illness or injury? You perhaps anticipate future scenarios of reunions and retrospectives... But time keeps pushing, pushing you forward into places such as this...You become obsessed as to your health...You take vitamin supplements, magnesium, potassium, herbs, green tea. You visit the doctor once a week and she tells you the same thing - that some things aren't reversible...And one day you end up in a bed like this - talking to strangers - nurses, chaplains...staring out the window...eating gruel...But most of all you're just stuck... exhausted...and there's nothing to look forward to, nothing but memories...You understand that - dont you kid?
Extra
Positivity was the continuing theme on Tuesday nights at the convalescent hospital where the old people were gathered in a circle and Nurse Amanda went around with the oversized karaoke microphone encouraging everyone to contribute a happy thought; Edgerton was again in one of his dark maudlin moods - raging against the fools and dimwits who surrounded him - weeping about the curse of old age - complaining that his dessert had not been served on time - so no one expected much from him. Edgerton was always apt to remind anyone who would listen about the aches and pains of aging, the decay of the body, the anguish of regret, the irreversible arrow of time, how the patients could only but fritter away their days waiting upon death. Happiness was beside the point at this stage of the game...One could only hope to be medicated ...or to be exhausted and thus mentally spent or to have reached a particular stage of dotage and dementia where the past was no longer a form of torment. ... Nurse Amanda had developed a keen annoyance to his presence, but Nurse Beatrice felt bad because he was always commenting on how his life had been "ruined" and his career derailed - his wife sent to an early death and his daughter estranged from him. Ten years seemed like an eternity ago; he was on the verge of a blissful retirement when the accusations had erupted out of nowhere and the Job-like plagues had poured forth unrelentingly. Randall - the stoical lab technician - who seemed unconcerned and untouched by anything aside from late-breaking sports news - was always available as a receptacle for Edgerton's complaints and took no offense to his foul moods.
