Hospice Care...

At the "convalescent hospital" or "hospice care facility" -  where people come either to die or not die (as the case may be) the agnostic chaplain (Will) sat in the upright velvet chair, on one side of the bed where a groggy Mr. Edgerton lay half-awake, mumbling barely audible details from his vast repertoire of knowledge in low sonorous tones; at the window, the pensive nurse (Betty) stood, looking out upon a bucolic scene - a thick green lawn interspersed with purple flowers and willow-like trees... From a distance the building itself looked round although partly shrouded by trees - but once inside - meandering along the hall ways one could not escape the impression of ambling along some sort of parabolic space-time curvature...Yes - the interior seemed more like an egg-shaped structure in which each tributary of a hallway seemed to lead you back to one of the rooms or else the main entrance. And each room was luxurious with huge windows looking out onto a bucolic scene - flowers, green lawns, ponds, miniature garden crofts, a convincing swath of nature filled with birds chirping, deer in the bushes, frogs and rabbits hopping about...The chaplain was soothed in part by Edgerton's inchoate whispering,  but he was more intrigued by this nurse after having heard someone in the staff lounge refer to her as "the psychic among us" when it came to patients and their past histories - through this appellation did not result from any boasting on her own ... Earlier in the day the place had been abuzz with talk about a patient in room B28 - the pale and sickly 87 year old, arthritis-ridden Mr. Synder, whose heart stopped beating for five minutes - and who after being revived recounted having "gone through the yellow tunnel" up through a dense swirling medium, as so many have done - traveling at high speed, past glittering lights and phantasms, to an uppermost region of sorts, entering a vestibule or lobby of sorts, a room with thick padded floors, infinitely high ceilings,  fluid, expansive, undulating walls, vast paintings and mobiles suspended in midair - only to be surrounded there by angelic beings, robed creatures with oval faces and huge round eyes, with glowing appendages for hands, who chanted and marched in procession around him, relaying telepathic answers to his every fearful inquiry, every why-this, why-that question concerning fear, pain, death and regret,  and who sent him back to earth after what seemed like a series of days and weeks- to the same bed in room B28 for one more go-around. Mr. Snyderman who was so humble and unassuming about being bestowed with the honor of celestial visitation - that this was taken to be a genuine incident...He was chattering on incoherently about it for 20 minutes before gaining full consciousness...Betty was there when his family arrived - and the discussion turned to why now - at such a late date - had he been sent back here? To do what exactly? And his daughter was perplexed because she had brought him to the hospital expecting the worst. And so every nurse and orderly and the two chaplains on duty - the religious and the non-religious one - were caught up in the excitement brought about by this paranormal occurrence. To the religious-minded chaplain it seemed to confirm much of what he already believed about life-after-death; the agnostic chaplain was equally intrigued; it did get him imagining many hoped-for "reception areas" that a person might experience in the moments after death,  even though Synder's account reminded him of some sort of strange encounter with extra-terrestrials. Had he been watching sci-fi movies recently? The agnostic chaplain wanted  Betty's opinion on the whole matter - but their paths crossed only briefly with the one asking: "So - you believe what has happened?" and Betty's brief reply: "Oh - I have my opinions...This is not the first case I've witnessed...I'll tell you later..."  She seemed happy in that moment - with this brief exchange - but later in the day - Will could not but notice the serious somber mood that had overtaken her while standing in Room B29 - listening to the professor ramble on. He surmised that it probably had something to do with her other job at the youth facility down the road - where the unruly hostile young males knocked their addled heads against padded walls... Edgerton would likely be amused by the chaplain's non-affiliation with religion - he was perhaps hoping to provoke whoever was on duty with his conjectures about God and eternity ...The chaplain wondered what Edgerton's response would be to the news of Mr. Snyder's brief encounter with death.... *** Edgerton was fully awake by now cognizant of his small but captive audience...  I suppose I shall have to keep it cheerful for the benefit of you young people...* Even now at this late stage of life - one must abide by certain rules of propriety... * Oh no, Mr. Edgerton...don't let us keep you from speaking openly...  *The old have been known to keep things from the young...* Parents keep many secrets from children to protect them - from becoming - disenchanted ... you know...*  We understand Mr. Edgerton - really...And society for that matter - must keep many things from ordinary folk - who aren't so curious to begin with - and might take offense... * ...whatever message you care to relay, truly... * Edgerton: I'm aware of the general environment that a place like this wants to promote - that you all are paid to foster - a welcoming place for the elderly - where we - the sick and infirm can stay - surrounded by loving caretakers and such family as consents to visit us...* And do you find it welcoming enough - Mr. Edgerton?* Oh - yes - I suppose - in that lovey-dovey compassion-for-all type of way...It's the nature of this line of work don't you see...? Compassion and caring and soft pillows, scenic views with gentle ambient music playing overhead and people in white suits all over the place...I have no objection - it's just that... Chaplain: You feel constrained? Edgerton: Well - I've reached a point - where I don't care to keep up that stiff upper lip when it comes to how I feel about old age... And since my daughter isn't coming to visit me anytime soon...* You would like to tell us about what you're feeling perhaps ...What would you like to tell us about old age? Edgerton: You will forgive what I am about to say in that I may seem to be in a dark and gloomy state of mind about the whole thing... The Nurse: No - please - continue... But - there comes a point where after living in denial for so many years - a person has need of acknowledging the aging process...* Of course...* Yes - beginning in one's fifties if you're lucky - one begins to notice annoying changes, a change of pallor perhaps, mood swings, reactions to hot and cold... you are surprised by your own skin loosening in places; wrinkles have appeared, changes around the eyes and nose, one's face and jaw seem puffy, the skin around the neck is strangely no longer tight, hair goes gray while thinning or changing in a bad way, joints begin to hurt, muscles are sore, muscle mass weakens overall, bones grow fragile, digestion fails you, one's energy level decreases, brain fog appears now and then,  the memory ebbs and flows - but one is able to at least deny the process is happening up until a certain point in time...You bump into someone from high school or college and do a double take on their haggard looks - but you pinch yourself b/c you refuse to see that same thing happening to you...But gradually - the realization hits you -  from sensing that the world is moving past at an accelerated pace without consulting you...Indeed - it is that sense of being overlooked that galls you, that grates upon you...People are passing you by - walking faster than you - looking askance at your silly little habits - your hunched posture, your grandparent-y grin, your ridiculous fashion choices, your stuck-in-the-past views on everything... You are slowed down at every juncture - and if retirement brings you rest - it is a tedious rest... the mind torments itself with too much down time...How many days in a row can you go golfing? How many trips to Florida? How many early bird specials can you eat? How can you avoid thinking of your latest illness or injury? You perhaps anticipate future scenarios of reunions and retrospectives... But time keeps pushing, pushing you forward into places such as this...You become obsessed as to your health...You take vitamin supplements, magnesium, potassium, herbs, green tea. You visit the doctor once a week and she tells you the same thing - that some things aren't reversible...And one day you end up in a bed like this - talking to strangers - nurses, chaplains...staring out the window...eating gruel...But most of all you're just stuck... exhausted...and there's nothing to look forward to, nothing but memories...You understand that - dont you kid? 

Oh sure, I understand...

Heh heh - I call you kid. How old are you?

35...

And you, young lady?

The nurse was surprised that Edgerton had noticed her presence...

Me? I'm 30...

Great...great... so you're not quite half way there... I know...I know...I sound gloomy ...

We understand - truly - said the nurse.

It's just that I want to be honest - I want you to know how it is for these patients that you're interacting with all the time... You see that don't you?

To be very blunt about it - I believe most people who arrive at the place where I find myself - are too tired to give it much thought...There is a fog that grips them and they escape into the la-la land of memory and nostalgia - and family members arrive with distractions of every sort - little grandchildren holding flowers and such...

And do you look down upon these patients?

Well - that's a good question in fact. I do find that dimming of consciousness to be rather pathetic in one sense...But then I suppose one could imagine that happy individual looking back upon a life well-lived and basking in the long train of accomplishments - being celebrated by loving friends...These exemplary types - I'm we have them...I'm sure they exist...

But for the grumpy types like myself - I'm afraid we are left to grapple with this heavy mood of ...oh ....what to call it.... torment....regret... paralysis...a feeling of futility...nothingness...the loss of purpose all of that really...

For someone in your position - does it help - asked the chaplain - to speculate on larger questions of God and eternity- and what comes after Death?

They told me you're an agnostic my dear boy...And you want to hear my thoughts on God?

Well - I am quite a good listener ...I consider myself receptive to various possibilities...Yes - in fact I benefit from hearing other people's views on the matter...